Perfectly Unfiltered Journey

Man, this is something I learned real quick when I started on this little adventure. I changed everything, all at once and it has been hard some days.

When I was working all the time at Potbelly’s, Redemption House part-time (before moving to Louisville), and filling every gap with something—I didn’t have to think much about motivation because it was built in. There were bills, schedules, goals, and people counting on me. The days moved whether I felt ready or not. The more I reached my goals, the more motivated I was to do more.

Now? There’s nothing forcing me out of bed at a certain time or pushing me through the hard parts. And honestly, I just… stay still more than I’d like to. Some days I feel like I’m just stuck.

I’m realizing I don’t have much self-discipline. I used to borrow my discipline from structure, deadlines, and other people’s expectations. Now that it’s just me? I’m still learning how to show up anyway.

I think most of us struggle with change to some degree, but when you add uncertainty to the mix? Well then you might as well just forget it! I’m the type of person who wants to know where I’m headed. Heck, I’ve even Googled the ending to a movie while in the theatre to see how it ends. Before I met Jamie, I was on a clear path. It wasn’t perfect, but it was predictable. I could see the next steps, and I had achieved every goal I had set for myself. Then I tossed it all aside to go on this adventure with my boyfriend. Like moving to Louisville, I intentionally pushed myself out of my comfort zone to grow. It has been amazing in so many ways…. all the places we’ve been, meeting new people, the self-discovery and deeper connection. But it has forced me to stare at a blank map, with no idea what’s next. And now it’s not just me…I’ve had to relinquish my control and put trust in someone else as well. All of that terrifies me way more than I expected. I knew I would have some challenges; I guess I just didn’t realize the magnitude.

Change sounds so simple on paper: decide what you want, stop doing the old thing, start doing the new thing and it’s done. If only it was that easy! You have to build your own momentum from scratch. No boss, no deadline, no external “have to.” Just you and the quiet voice inside asking, “Okay… now what?”

This is how I have been struggling and I know that it comes from fear and self-doubt. I started listening to Mel Robbins’ book “The 5 Second Rule” and it has such great advice and insight. Every morning that I follow the rule and get out of bed immediately when the alarm goes off, I always seem to have a super productive, amazing day. (I’ll get more into that in a later blog post).

Here’s the thing, I have no doubt I will figure it out, I always do. I have done much harder things. Heck, I quit using fentanyl so anything else should be a cake walk. Starting this blog felt like it was never going to happen. It was a goal I had for months and I kept saying “tomorrow.” But tomorrow seemed to never show up on the calendar. Finally, a couple of weeks ago, I did it! I got my site set up and published my first post. I have no perfect plan; no guarantee anyone will read it. And the funny thing is that just the act of starting, even imperfectly, created its own momentum. That first post has me wanting to keep writing. Sharing the first post has made me accountable in a small way because I started sharing my ideas of starting this blog with a few people. It isn’t discipline in the grind-it-out way I used to know. It’s a quieter determination, a little pride, and the fear of letting myself down more than anyone else.

I’m far from an expert! I am a work in progress myself, but here are a few things that are starting to help:

• Tiny commitments – not “rebuild my entire life plan this week”, more like “write for 15 minutes” or “listen to an audiobook for 15 minutes”, things small enough that it would be hard to talk myself out of them.
• Borrowing structure – I set fake deadlines/goals. I talk to my friend Vicky about what I’m working toward, so I have someone holding me accountable (even if it’s just “I said I’d do this today”).
• Remembering why I’m here – When I get stuck in fear, I remind myself that discomfort doesn’t mean I’m doing something wrong, it means I’m being seen and it’s the fear of failing or being judged. I have come so far that my old self is almost unrecognizable to me. This uncertainty I’m feeling is part of building something that represents the real me and supports my growth.
• Grace on the stuck days – Some days (a lot of days) I just stay still and I’m trying to be okay with that instead of beating myself up. All it does is hold me back, because it just glues me to the couch even more.

Change is simple: decide, act, repeat. But it’s far from easy. It requires you to become your own motivator, your own accountability partner, your own safety net.

I’m not even close to having it all figured out. But showing up here, writing this blog, is one small way I’m choosing to get out of my comfort zone and keep moving.

If you’re in the messy middle of change too, especially the kind without a map, I see you. I know it’s hard, but we’re moving in the right direction, even when it doesn’t feel like it.

What’s one small thing you’re doing (or wanting to do) to keep your own momentum going? I want to hear from you. Let’s get this conversation started and leave your comments below.